between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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