Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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