Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
