So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
