btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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