Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
