I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
