if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
