when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
