i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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