he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
