I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Randomize
