and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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