i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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