someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
