i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
