'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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