how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
