My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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