Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
