haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
True college students do jello shots in the library
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