every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Why is your signature on my underwear?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
