Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
