I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
