He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize