he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
