Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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