Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
