Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
