just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
