You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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