Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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