Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
