I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
