Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
