My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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