Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
