bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
