It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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