I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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