So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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