You made me cry and you don't even care
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
