i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
