shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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