im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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