dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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