my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
