I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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