Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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