mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
