so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
