yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
