I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
