after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
