Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
