I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
