So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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