Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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