she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my shit smells like andre
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
