They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize