I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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