how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
