Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
