my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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